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Facing refusal, notably when it recurs often, is not a great feeling. Someone is turning you down, giving a clear “Nope.” As a writer, I am well acquainted with rejection. I began proposing manuscripts 50 years back, just after college graduation. Over the years, I have had several works turned down, along with nonfiction proposals and numerous short stories. During the recent score of years, focusing on personal essays, the rejections have grown more frequent. Regularly, I face a rejection multiple times weekly—adding up to over 100 times a year. In total, rejections in my profession number in the thousands. By now, I could have a advanced degree in handling no’s.

But, does this seem like a self-pitying rant? Far from it. Since, finally, at seven decades plus three, I have come to terms with being turned down.

In What Way Have I Managed This?

A bit of background: At this point, just about everyone and their distant cousin has given me a thumbs-down. I haven’t tracked my win-lose ratio—it would be quite demoralizing.

For example: lately, a newspaper editor turned down 20 submissions one after another before approving one. In 2016, over 50 editors vetoed my manuscript before someone accepted it. A few years later, 25 agents declined a project. A particular editor suggested that I send potential guest essays only once a month.

The Steps of Rejection

In my 20s, all rejections were painful. I took them personally. It seemed like my work was being turned down, but me as a person.

As soon as a piece was rejected, I would go through the “seven stages of rejection”:

• First, disbelief. Why did this occur? Why would editors be overlook my ability?
• Second, denial. Certainly it’s the mistake? It has to be an mistake.
• Then, rejection of the rejection. What do editors know? Who made you to judge on my work? They’re foolish and their outlet is poor. I refuse this refusal.
• After that, anger at those who rejected me, then frustration with me. Why do I put myself through this? Could I be a masochist?
• Subsequently, pleading (often seasoned with optimism). What will it take you to recognise me as a once-in-a-generation talent?
• Sixth, despair. I lack skill. Additionally, I can never become any good.

This continued over many years.

Notable Company

Certainly, I was in good fellowship. Tales of writers whose manuscripts was originally turned down are legion. The author of Moby-Dick. The creator of Frankenstein. James Joyce’s Dubliners. The novelist of Lolita. The author of Catch-22. Almost every famous writer was first rejected. If they could persevere, then perhaps I could, too. The basketball legend was dropped from his high school basketball team. Many American leaders over the past six decades had earlier failed in races. Sylvester Stallone says that his script for Rocky and bid to star were turned down repeatedly. “I take rejection as an alarm to rouse me and keep moving, rather than retreat,” he has said.

The Seventh Stage

Later, upon arriving at my 60s and 70s, I entered the final phase of setback. Acceptance. Currently, I better understand the various causes why someone says no. For starters, an publisher may have already featured a like work, or have one in progress, or just be thinking about that idea for a different writer.

Or, less promisingly, my submission is of limited interest. Or maybe the editor thinks I don’t have the experience or standing to succeed. Or isn’t in the market for the wares I am peddling. Maybe was busy and scanned my submission hastily to appreciate its value.

Feel free call it an epiphany. Any work can be turned down, and for numerous reasons, and there is almost not much you can do about it. Certain reasons for rejection are forever beyond your control.

Manageable Factors

Some aspects are under your control. Honestly, my ideas and work may from time to time be ill-conceived. They may lack relevance and impact, or the message I am struggling to articulate is not compelling enough. Or I’m being too similar. Or a part about my grammar, notably dashes, was unacceptable.

The key is that, in spite of all my decades of effort and setbacks, I have achieved recognized. I’ve written two books—my first when I was 51, my second, a memoir, at retirement age—and over 1,000 articles. My writings have been published in newspapers big and little, in regional, worldwide platforms. My debut commentary was published in my twenties—and I have now contributed to many places for 50 years.

However, no major hits, no signings at major stores, no appearances on TV programs, no Ted Talks, no honors, no accolades, no international recognition, and no national honor. But I can more easily take rejection at this stage, because my, small accomplishments have eased the stings of my frequent denials. I can choose to be thoughtful about it all at this point.

Instructive Setbacks

Denial can be helpful, but only if you pay attention to what it’s indicating. If not, you will probably just keep interpreting no’s incorrectly. So what insights have I learned?

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